Visitation dreams

Several weeks ago, I wanted to know more about ways I might communicate with Sandy, since she's obviously around. I stumbled upon a site that talked about visitation dreams. This site said that, according to Kevin Kovelant, a consciousness studies professor at JFK University, visitation dreams often have these features:

• The dream feels more real than the usual dream: more clarity, focus, and steadiness of mind.
• A “felt sense” that the person is really them, not just a memory. “That was grandma – I know it was her.”
• Very little plot: usually the dream narrative consists of the interaction between the dream ego and the figure of the deceased person.
• Strong emotions are commonly reported: love, forgiveness, anger, fear.
• A “physical” touch between the spirit and the dreamer, usually a hug or a reaching out.
• The deceased dream figure often looks younger and healthier than when they passed on. 

I've thought about these qualities a great deal as I remember the dreams I've had of Sandy since she died. There are many dreams where she's a character in a story, dreams that are similar to dreams I've always had (because of course I dreamed about her when she was alive, too), dreams that I now think of largely as metaphorical dreams. As is common for most people, I expect, most of my dreams are representations of my subconscious chewing on something or processing the day's events—or sometimes communicating something to me that my conscious self is unwilling to hear.

But there are dreams that I knew right away were interactions between me and her spirit—not my subconscious using her symbolically. And those dreams tend to have almost no plot; they're almost entirely conversation. In those dreams, too, we speak about the fact that she died. At least one of Sandy's friends has had what appears to me to have been a visitation dream, as well, and I suspect that more have.

I've been reading A Widow's Story by Joyce Carol Oates, a book about the pain she felt when her husband died unexpectedly. She only describes one visitation dream, and she doesn't even seem to realize for sure that that's what it was—but she aches to return to it, as it was the "happiest event" of her life in the weeks since Ray died.

Again, I realize I am fortunate that Sandy has been with me so often. But I'm not sure whether I can count on it continuing. Last week, in a very vivid dream, Sandy and I were standing in someone's kitchen and she told me that she hadn't felt very fulfilled or engaged recently, and she thought she'd better go away for a while. When I expressed dismay, she smiled and said, "I can still call you!" And then she said she'd probably be back in a few days anyway. I realized I was worried that she'd go away and then die before she returned; when I remembered that she'd already died, I knew I didn't need to worry.

The house got very empty. I didn't feel her here at all. It hurt.

A few days later, I dreamed that I called her on her cellphone and she answered. But when I asked where she was, she said only, "I'm with a friend you don't know." I asked if I could come to her, and she was adamant that I could not. (Repeatedly, before she died and since, she has been clear that I am not to follow her; she wants me to live. But I want her to live!) The conversation got a little lighter then, as she confessed to drinking nine or ten diet Pepsis a day (a treat she gave up in deference to my distrust of aspartame). I said she might as well have them, the issue was moot now, and asked whether she was enjoying them. She sheepishly said, "No." And we laughed.

It's good to have her back!

And then a couple of days ago, she was back, in the house with me, and she's been around a fair amount this week. I'd love to know if anyone saw her while she was away from me— somehow I got the sense she was going to be spending time with friends on the East coast— but because she said she was with a friend I didn't know, I don't even know who to ask!