Another year

Here's to a new year of strength and energy.

The clock rolled over to 2014 this morning, our arbitrary demarcation of a new year. I've been feeling reflective -- and sometimes wallowing in self-pity -- since our anniversary a few weeks ago, and I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about the past year.  So how did I do in 2013?

I recovered some of my energy, crawled out from under the overwhelming blanket of grief long enough to get involved with multiple community organizations. I think this was possible because I took some time off work -- six months, an indulgence that gave me the opportunity to catch my breath. I'd been working since just after Sandy died, which had been a good thing. But now I was able to face idleness, and then to fill those hours with activities that are more aligned with my passions than writing about computer software is.

I've restructured various areas in the garden, and have plans to do more. I'm moving forward with major home improvements. I've made new friends, gained new skills, identified gaps in my knowledge and experience, and even explored going back to school. In short, I've been looking toward the future.

And I carry Sandy with me as I do so. Visitation dreams come less frequently and she's not been communicating as overtly recently. But her presence is still strong. I've continued to discover more photos in unexpected places, even a VHS tape of her at a fannish con in 1995 that I didn't know we had. Mostly, though, I just sense her here, and I continue to converse with her. The last thing I've done every night this year is to beg her to find some way back, and I don't see that changing any time soon.

I've counted my blessings plenty in the past year, grateful for a home, friends, family, healthy cats, my own relative health. I know how fortunate I am. And I always know how much I've lost. I'm getting more comfortable recognizing both at the same time.

I'm also still pretty tired. Not working let me engage in other activities, but I don't yet have the energy to have a full life -- work, community involvement, friends, home improvement projects, gardening, biking -- all at once. My hope for 2014 is that I will continue to get stronger, be more grounded, learn, and regain enough energy that a year from now, I can live as fully as I'd like to. For now, I recognize the progress I've made in even wanting to live fully, and I'll just enjoy that for a while.

I hope everyone reading this has had a good holiday season, however and whatever you celebrate, and that 2014 is a year of growth and peace for you.