Four months

Four months ago today, very early in the morning, I became a widow; Laura lost her best friend; Doña lost her daughter; Viv, Mindy, and Pete lost their sister; many people lost a close friend; and many many others lost a friend, colleague, relative, mentor, patient, and so much else. The world changed. Yet, inexplicably, it went on.

It was just about a year ago, November 14, 2010, that we
went for a hike with Colleen. That was a good day.

It's hard to understand how four months can have passed. I've changed, certainly, and I've been adjusting to this new, harsh reality. But she's been so present in my life that I can't quite wrap my head around her absence.

I still want Sandy to return. I'm not sure she would come back now, though, even if she could. Sandy was often overwhelmed by life, burdened by her criticisms of herself, frequently self-sabotaging. It must be very freeing to be done with all that, to leave the to-do list behind. No matter the circumstances of my departure, I've always enjoyed quitting jobs, knowing that I could walk away from whatever I couldn't face or just hadn't gotten around to. On July 19, everything Sandy left undone became either moot or someone else's (my) problem. She doesn't owe anyone anything anymore, and she can't let anyone (including herself) down.

I'm glad she has that freedom. And I'm grateful that she's chosen to spend time with me, without obligation or expectation. That's a huge gift.