Something to be grateful for

Sandy and I were both amazed by studies that showed that feelings of gratitude provide a boost to the immune system for hours at a time. By their very nature, they make you feel better, too. So we'd sometimes make gratitude lists, each writing down things we were grateful for, and we got to feel fortunate for all that we had in our lives and also virtuous for taking the time to notice.

But it's harder to be grateful now, when the feeling of loss is so great. The first thing on my gratitude list was always Sandy. In the past few months, consciously sitting down and trying to be grateful has resulted in despair. But I've been noticing moments of gratitude here and there, welcome thoughts.

I had one of those today. I was thinking about death that strikes without warning, without a chance to say goodbye. I was always careful to make sure our parting words were good ones, in person or on the phone. That if we were arguing, we settled our differences before leaving each others' presence. Or, at the very least, emphasized our love even through the anger. I was afraid that something would happen to her, and I'd know that the last thing I'd said had been words I didn't mean or that her last look at me had been a cold one. As I remembered this, and thought about people who didn't have a chance to say goodbye, I was filled with gratitude that we had time to say not just that we loved each other, but to ask and give forgiveness for big and small things alike, to recognize that the end was coming and make sure we said those things we'd want to have said.

We were blessed that she was able to spend meaningful time with so many people she loved in the weeks before her death, that she was able to express her adoration and to feel the love of those around her.

Sandy was able to say goodbye to almost every family member in this
photo (taken in July 2007) in the weeks before she died -- as well as many friends.