Sleep cycles

Since Sandy died,  I've awakened hourly most nights. My therapist and I attempted to understand why: Was I waiting for Sandy to come home? Worried about her? Sensing her absence in my sleep? We probed all the possibilities we could come up with, and we had a small amount of success. Some nights I slept as long as three hours at a stretch, but no more than that.

So I brought it up with my naturopath last month. She knows that I tend to be sensitive to prescription medications and herbal supplements alike, so she was pretty choosy in recommending an option for me. She settled on one that was supposed to gently and gradually modulate my nervous system so that I could restore my usual sleep pattern. It was also supposed to leave me feeling more alert during the day.

Sleep was very important to Sandy. She got upset if she was
still awake 15 minutes after she turned off the light (I have
routinely been awake for as much as an hour after retiring),
and she strongly resented having to get up in the middle of the
night to pee during cancer treatment. I can't imagine how she'd
cope with waking hourly. Well, I can imagine. And since I
woke whenever she stirred, I'd be waking up hourly too!

So much for that. I took it as directed for ten days. I did gradually start sleeping longer, but I found I needed even more hours of sleep than before. And I couldn't remember my dreams as clearly. As I continued taking it, I became increasingly groggy and thick-headed during the day, and I rapidly lost strength and energy. I needed to stop every mile or so to rest on rides that I usually rode without much effort. I couldn't work because my mind was unclear, and I couldn't do much of anything else because I didn't have any energy.

I stopped taking it, of course. I bounced right back to waking hourly, but my mind was clearer and I was able to get up in the morning. Now, ten days after I stopped taking it, my brain finally feels sharp and I'm remembering my dreams easily. But I'm also sleeping better. I've had two stretches of six hours of sleep and one of five in the past week. So maybe it really did reset something, or at least remind my body and mind that I can sleep longer periods of time without terrible things happening.

Better sleep leads to a clearer mind, which means I get more done, and that means I'm less likely to feel overwhelmed. When I feel less overwhelmed, the pain of grief is more bearable. So solving the sleep issue is a pretty important priority for overall quality of life. Here's hoping it continues to improve.