Keeping busy

There are certain phrases I hear frequently now that I'm a widow. One of the things people often say to me is that it's good that I'm "keeping busy." It always makes me twitch. Today, it finally occurred to me why. There are actually several reasons.

First, it's a cliche. That's always enough for a twitch.

Second, it implies that my activity is busy work, intended as a distraction, instead of meaningful in its own right. I'd love to be doing less; I feel burdened by my obligations. And if anything on my list isn't essential, I cut it.

Third, it implies that I want to be distracted from my grief or from thoughts of Sandy. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I have learned that any feelings I don't process and integrate when they're fresh will fester and are sure to sabotage me later down the road. Much better to own them, feel them, and let them take their place in my emotional landscape now.

Sandy always wanted to have the next vacation or weekend
away scheduled, so that I'd be commited to some time away
from my to-do list. I was much more likely to be spontaneous
when we were away from home - and that made Sandy happy.
Here she is at Golden Gate Park in San Fransciso in 2003.

Fourth, it just seems silly. Has anyone ever seen me without a to-do list longer than my arm? Keeping busy has never been my problem. Keeping my schedule open for spontaneous reflection, grief, or even play? That's much more challenging. (And that drove Sandy crazy.)

Lastly, it feels like a way for the speaker to tactfully say that she or he really doesn't want to hear about my grief. It's an oddly upbeat thing to say, and it dismisses the pain.

Like everything else that's made me twitch the past seven months, I'm sure that this phrase is said with good intentions, and that people either truly believe that keeping busy is a good goal for the bereaved, or are struggling to know what to say and so they land on something they've heard many times. I don't hold it against anyone. And I try not to visibly twitch. But it's definitely a phrase that signals the end of a conversation for me.

For now, I'm very busy. And I'm definitely looking forward to muddling through this batch of work and other commitments so that I'll have a chance to rest, relax, garden, and actively grieve when I need to.