Feeling better

I was in a pretty dark place yesterday. I felt defeated, despairing; it all felt pointless. And then I hopped on the bike to spin eleven miles while watching Captain America, a feel-good, empowering movie. And surprise! I felt much better. Much better. I was inspired to organize the cabinet in the dining room, refolding and stacking tablecloths and napkins so there was room for garden seeds; moving them from the top shelf of the bookcase provided more space for cookbooks that had been shoved in sideways. And I discarded packaged food with expiration dates reaching back to 2004. I even tucked in to some work I'd been dreading and realized it won't be so bad.

I don't think Sandy ever dressed up as Captain America, but
she was a lieutenant in the Dendarii Free Mercenary Fleet.

I know that spending time on the bike improves my mood, along with eating regularly, getting sleep, taking a hot bath with my favorite bath salts, and doing yoga. But knowing that certain activities will make me feel better and actually doing them are completely different things. In fact, days like yesterday, I resist because I don't want to feel better. My despair feels truer, somehow, than not-despair. I feel like I've earned the right to wallow, to hurt, to sob, to feel sorry for myself.

Once I feel better, I wonder why I clung to despair. I don't forget Sandy when I'm feeling better; on the contrary, I have more vivid memories, feel her presence more strongly, and am able to communicate my love with words other than "Come back" and "You weren't supposed to die" and "Why did you leave me?" Those agonizing sentiments have to be rather tiresome to hear for months on end.

I am once again amused, however, to realize that my feeling better precedes the completely unwarranted belief that Sandy will return. When I'm despairing, I know that she's gone forever. When I feel good, I know that it isn't possible that she won't come back. Feeling better makes me crazier. Interesting, huh?

SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen Captain America but plan to, you might want to skip this next bit.

I was already feeling better, had dried off the sweat from my bike ride, and was watching the final scenes of the movie as I changed into cozy clothes. And then the kicker, the bonus: everyone had thought Captain America dead, but he survived, and is among us 70 years later. Once again, I know that the universe is winking at me.