Hosting solo

Today was only the second time I've had a group of people in the house since Sandy died. The first time wasn't really my gathering; the local fans came over to sort through Sandy's fannish collection. So this was the first event I actually hosted.

I'm an insecure hostess at best. I tend to prefer getting together with people one-on-one rather than seeing people in groups, anyway. And when it's my event, I also feel responsible for everyone's wellbeing, and yet awkward and incompetent in doing anything about it.

We never entertained that much, but we used to have people
over occasionally. Sandy enjoyed cooking for people, and
we had a few game nights that were great fun. I'm more self-
conscious about cooking for others, and it's been hard to
picture a game party without Sandy. But I think the next step
in my healing is to get used to having people here on my own.

So this was a good test for me. It involved mixing people from different aspects of my life, cleaning the house (!), and talking about something I care passionately about. All without Sandy here to share the burden and provide encouragement. I cried a lot this morning, missing her. But I enjoyed hanging out with friends later in the day, and I'm grateful that they spent their afternoon with me, and that people are interested in NBCC and the 2020 Deadline.

It's hard without Sandy here. I feel good while people are actually here, and then lost when they leave. I've always felt that a little bit when guests left, but for years I could relax into Sandy. We'd discuss how things went and then, together, find our way back to our usual routine. Now, feeling a little disoriented, I keep looking for her.

Now that the house is cleaner, I'm going to try to have people over more often, and maybe it will become easier. I hope so. I'm tired of having so many things be so hard. (And it would have been much harder had Cynthia not been so amazing with her support. So, hey, I get to thank you publicly, Cynthia!)