the swinging pendulum

The rollercoaster ride continues. Yesterday, I was pretty miserable, largely due to sinus issues and nausea from phlegm in my stomach. (Sorry about the image.) Nausea and the inability to breathe colluded to keep energy levels low. In addition, I mourned the car, which was towed away yesterday, looking pathetic and sad from neglect and disuse.

I didn't actually mourn the car so much as the loss it represents. I don't need a car. Much of what I do is within my very walkable neighborhood. And even when I was tempted to drive somewhere, I often didn't, because I hated the thought of having to park the car upon my return.

Lime Kiln Park, San Juan Island, the first
time we went there together, in the 90's.
I've been craving San Juan Island lately,
but I really want to drive (or bike) there
with Sandy, not alone.

But getting rid of the car, no matter how sensible, is a strong reminder that Sandy is gone. She doesn't need to drive to therapy in Des Moines, Washington every other week, nor do we need to drive to Renton to see her naturopath every few months. More disturbing is the knowledge that we won't be driving out of town together anymore, whether to one of the islands or to the coast or over the mountains. I can't yet bring myself to spend a night away from home, let alone go to one of the places we enjoyed together. And when I visit family in Moses Lake, I'll let the bus take me.

So yesterday was a hard day again, in a different way.

Today, I feel better. Sun coming in the bedroom windows helped this morning, and my sinuses are better. I paid bills, and that always makes me feel competent. I registered for a watercolors class I've been wanting to take. I got some work done, and then went out into the world. Had huevos rancheros at Poquito's on Pike and read, enjoying the energy and commotion around me.
 
I've joined Zipcar now, and confirmed that there are four cars within four blocks of me, so I'm likely to have one available when I want it. I indulged in a little research on scooters last night, too, and imagined the freedom I'd have to dash off to West Seattle or up to Shoreline to see friends without worrying about parking upon my return, and without the effort of biking every time or negotiating inconvenient bus transfers. Though in theory I could have driven the car any time I wanted to, the dread of parking when I got home kept me from it. It's quite possible that Zipcar — and eventually maybe a scooter — will actually afford me greater freedom than owning a car did. I see at as just another reminder that life is unpredictable, and sometimes we have to step outside the status quo to see possibilities. And that's about as hopeful as I'm willing to be today, as we leave 2011 behind.