What to expect

Grieving is new to me. I've mourned cats before, and grandparents. But this level of grief, feeling that I am but a 5'2" container of want and longing and resistance to reality - this is all new, foreign territory.

Sandy with Allison at Gerald's memorial several years ago

This is such a deeply personal, individual experience that it's hard to remember sometimes that others have traveled this road. I was relieved to find About Grief, by Ron Marasco and Brian Shuff. They talked with grievers, and the experiences they described mirrored my own. I felt less crazy. I felt reassured that I was doing the right things for myself, for Sandy, for our families and friends.

I related strongly to Joan Didion's description of grieving in The Year of Magical Thinking. And I've found some comfort in other books here and there. But I'm still on the lookout.

I recognized a shift a few weeks ago. The pain lessened, and I began to look toward the future again. I noticed I had a little more energy. But at the same time, I have been getting tired more quickly, my immune system seems more fragile, and the sadness is more constant. Less painful, but almost always present. I haven't known what to make of it.

Today I was relieved to find Belleruth Naparstek's guidance for grievers and their supporters. Belleruth is the godmother of guided imagery. Sandy listened to her guided imagery for chemo to help alleviate side effects and strengthen healing; I've been using her guided imagery recordings for grief. These items reassured me:

In the beginning [the sadness] will come and go in waves, and, just like labor contractions, there’s respite in the in-between times. Later on it will be more like a flavoring that adds to most times.

Expect poor sleep and agitation for a few months, due to elevated levels of stress hormones (this is normal); then a return to more normal sleep patterns, but an upsurge in sadness and greater recognition of loss.

 For those wanting to support the griever, she offers these guidelines, among others:

• Remember that just expressing your concern and condolences, sincerely but quickly, in a way that doesn’t demand a lot back, is plenty. No one expects you to make the pain go away.
  
• Try not to offer something that you know the person won’t want or need. That will only make him or her feel more isolated, angry or disconnected.
  
• Be respectful of boundaries. Don’t ambush a mourner at work or at the gym, clutching his hand with both of yours, looking deeply into his eyes and oozing sympathy. He’s trying to maintain composure and focus, and the last thing he needs is a spontaneous Grief Fest initiated by you. (Close friends rarely do this - it’s usually a random acquaintance who oversteps in this way.)
  
• Leave messages - voicemail or email - or send a thoughtful little gift, showing that you’re thinking about the person, and asking nothing in return. It’s really considerate to make it clear that no response is needed or expected.
  
• Don’t make demands; and don’t expect a normally good-natured, generous person to be their good-natured, generous selves for several months - maybe even a year or two.
  
• Expect more irritation and sensitivity from your friend than usual and make allowances.
  
• Avoid clichés like "At Least He’s Not in Pain Now" or "God Only Gives Us What We Can Bear". Trust me, the mourner didn’t want to hear this the first time he heard this, and he doesn’t want to hear it now.
  
• Don’t expect the person to get over this in a few months. Not gonna happen. This is a process that extends for 2-3 years at its most intense levels.

If you'd like to see the rest of what Belleruth suggests for grievers and their supporters, you'll find the list here.

Thank you to all who have been so supportive, following the guidelines above either intuitively or through unfortunate experience of your own. I appreciate all your concern, especially as I know how much many of you miss her, too.