Making connections

As is obvious to those who've been reading here, Sandy's last five weeks have been much on my mind lately. But I'm not just reliving 2011; I've also been actively engaged in the present. In the past couple of weeks, I've started volunteering for the Washington United for Marriage campaign, and I'm enjoying getting to know campaign staff and other volunteers. I've played tourist with Cynthia, finally indulging in the Underground Tour in Pioneer Square after 22 years here. I've biked to Snoqualmie Falls with Colleen, and we took advantage of the Sunday closure of a stretch of Lake Washington Blvd to enjoy a more leisurely ride with several friends. The garden is looking better, as I've spent many lovely hours working in it, and I've been feasting on home-grown spinach, chard, beet greens, strawberries, green onions, artichokes, and a couple of prematurely picked cherries.

I'm simultaneously experiencing tremendous grief and a feeling of abundance and possibility. It's unnerving sometimes, but I'm starting to get the hang of it.

Saturday evening, I attended a friend's housewarming party. Kathy worked with Sandy at Microsoft the last year she was there. When the evening began, Kathy was the only one there that I knew, but I had a great time. Any gathering that begins with someone putting a four-month-old puppy into my arms is going to be a successful one!

I was in a pretty good space. As several of us wended our way through conversational mazes, one woman observed, "You really appreciate life." I was a little surprised, because lately I think of myself as depressed, dulled at the edges, bereft. But she was right. The optimist in me remains present (or, perhaps, has returned), and as I told her, I fully understand just how blessed and privileged I am. I love and am loved; I'm connected to multiple engaging communities, financially comfortable, relatively healthy and fit, capable, competent, intelligent; my schedule is my own so I can garden, bike, and work in ways that feed me.  Even as I grieve, I have much to appreciate.

Sandy had the opportunity to work with some pretty cool
people over the years - and also to entertain them. I think
this must have been the set for a murder mystery kind of
event; they didn't expect anyone to lie down in the chalk
outline, as far as I know, but she did anyway.

Another of Sandy's work colleagues was there, a woman I'd met once or twice but didn't even recognize. Sandy adored her, I knew. It was great to have a chance to talk with her and understand why Sandy had thought so highly of her.

And Sandy came up, of course. It's incredibly rare for me to be with someone for more than a few minutes and not mention her in one context or another. Shortly after I'd noted the upcoming anniversary of her death, as we were piling our plates with food, one woman asked me, "Do you think we'll see people again?" I told her that all of my long-held assumptions have been blown away this past year, and that given my interactions with Sandy, I now think we probably will. Then she told me I'd probably think she was crazy (I assured her that I, of all people, would not think that), and she shared with me that she was certain a boy she'd babysat had visited her in the form of a bird after he'd died as a young adult. It's actually fairly common for people to have a poignant experience with a bird, especially, that appears after someone has died. I certainly didn't think her crazy; I think she's probably right that it was him. She also told me about sensing her beloved dog lying on the bed with her after he'd died. Again, I don't think she's crazy; many people have similar encounters.

Sandy's colleague asked me later if Sandy had been communicating with me, and I told her a little bit about the abundance of communication. I asked, then, as I usually do, whether she's had experiences. She told me that she hears her dad's voice sometimes. She hears him calling her name. She's in bed, usually, but she's awake, and she knows it's him. I asked if it comforted her or freaked her out. She said it definitely gave her a good feeling.

I love hearing other people's stories about connections with those who've left our physical world. It's amazing to me just how many ways there are for us to feel close with them, for them to reach out to us. Though there are some similarities, no two stories are the same; each is powerful and personally meaningful. I feel so honored to hear about those connections.

I seem to be in a space in my life right now where I'm making more connections with new people again. Often we bond over stories of death and dying and the relationships that continue afterwards, but I'm feeling connected to people in many other ways as well. In general, I think my empathy has returned, and I'm able to meet people where they are. What's exciting is that I am beginning to believe that I can do that — can be fully engaged in the world and with other people — without sacrificing the closeness I continue to feel with Sandy. So, yes, I have reason to appreciate life!