Memorial Day

Memorial Day has meant different things to me at different points in my life: A time to visit relatives' graves in Nebraska. Seattle's Folklife Festival. A day off work.

I've been living every day recently with one foot in the present and one in the same date a year ago. Sometimes that second foot stretches out further to straddle the date in 2010, too. So this year, Memorial Day weekend has been about our returning from vacation a year ago, stressing about cleaning the rental car after Sandy vomited in it on the final day of our trip.

On Memorial Day itself, Sandy attended a friend's barbecue and came home drunk, not having realized how much she'd been imbibing. I'd stayed home, happily having a little time to myself after two weeks of being with each other around the clock, so I don't know how much she drank. She was frustrated with herself for having so much, though, because she felt awful, off-kilter, out of control of her own movements. Of course, we didn't know that the cancer had occupied her nervous system, and that almost certainly affected the way alcohol influenced her; I suspect the amount she drank would have been reasonable for her a few months before.

With that broad grin on her face, you'd never know she was
having trouble breathing and had just learned she had a
terminal illness. Sandy was able to live in the moment,
and, luckily for me, she dragged me into it with her.

Two years ago, we went to Salish Lodge on Memorial Day weekend. We'd made the reservation before Sandy had her chest X-ray, and at that time, we expected to bike up to Snoqualmie Falls, enjoy a nice night in the lodge and a hearty breakfast the next morning, and then bike home. By the time we went, Sandy was on supplemental oxygen and heavy-duty pain meds. We almost decided not to go, but we'd paid and wouldn't be eligible for a refund, so we drove up there and had a wonderful, relaxing night. We both needed some pampering.

I've been wandering through the landscapes of my memories so much that it surprised me this morning to remember that Memorial Day is a day set aside for remembering those who have died. It's fitting and appropriate to have such a day, and to notice it as a nation — both to honor those who have served in the military and those who have not. This year, it feels superfluous to me, though, as every day is my own personal Memorial Day.