Why not dream big?

Over the years, I've bought a lot of megamillions lottery tickets, probably several hundred. I know, of course, that the odds of winning anything substantial are very very small. But every time I buy a ticket, I believe that this time, I'll win. This is the winning ticket. I fantasize about never having to work again, and I budget the money, anticipating taxes and the amount we'll need to put away for living expenses, and then figure out how to divvy the rest among our favorite causes. Spreadsheets are sometimes involved; other times, it's just the back of an envelope. I consider whether I should endow a staff position or some other recurring expense, or just give the organization a lump sum. I rehearse making the phone call to the executive director (especially for the organizations whose EDs I know), asking to meet to discuss a meaningful donation.

In short, I have a lot of fun. Originally Sandy mocked my lottery game, but eventually she came to realize that I reaped many hours of entertainment for my dollar. (No, I never buy more than one. No need to, if it's the right one!) And eventually she started dreaming with me. We'd figure out how much we each got to play with, after we'd set aside the funds that ensured our early retirement. And then we'd debate the merits of giving more, smaller gifts or just a few large gifts to the causes. When the pot was really large, we'd dream about creating our own foundation and giving money over time.

Still, Sandy remained realistic. She said that she didn't think we should base our future on any plan that begins with "first, we win the lottery."

I haven't bought any lottery tickets since she died. I haven't felt particularly lucky. And my usual optimism has been muted, at best. But I'm still dreaming unrealistically, as anyone who's been reading this blog knows.

Thursday afternoon I was biking and thinking about Sandy's return, and I startled myself with my own sudden loud laughter as I imagined her grinning and saying,"Any plan that begins with first, we bring Sandy back from the dead. . ."